hanzlik studio

On Friday afternoon I went to see Joel Osteen.  I had heard a few of his broadcasts on a talk radio station over the summer and while Andrew was in the hospital over Thanksgiving weekend I had the opportunity to watch him preach.  The man can preach!  There is no doubt about that.  When I heard that he was coming to Hawaii, I knew that I wanted to go see him, but the cards were not playing in my favor.  First, by the time we went to get tickets the service that we were able to go to was sold out and the earlier service was at 1pm on a workday so I thought for sure that it just wasn’t going to happen.  However, it turned out that I could go due to a favor from a good friend.  Soooooo, Andrew and I picked up my friend Nakia and her son Mathew.

I wasn’t sure exactly what to expect since I’d never been to a “show” like this before.  We arrived at the Blaisdell a little before 1 and the place was BUSY.  We found parking, hit up the ATM, got a snack and yummy lemonade and headed inside.  As soon as we stepped in the Blaisdell Center my heart started pounding.  PANIC mode!  The lights were dim, the place was packed, the music was loud and there was a bit of a fog.  I almost turned around and was going to listen from the door.  You see… sometime in the last few years I have developed this bizarre fear of crowded places.  I mean… FEAR!  But, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and said “I can do this” so we proceeded up the stands to our seats.

As Joel stated speaking I wanted to bust out a notebook or even better, a recorder so that I could remember every. single. word.  But it was dark and crowded so I just focused with all effort to remember EVERYTHING.  About ten minutes in Andrew started crying, loud.  I got up and walked to the back of top of the bleachers which seemed to appease him and we were both happier.  I was listening to Joel and there was one quote that REALLY got to me.  He was talking about the struggles in life and how a lot of things can bring doubt and uncertainty in God’s intentions.  But when dealing with life’s difficulties and trying times you have to remember that “God will either lead you away from the fire or make you FIREPROOF so that you can go straight into that fire and come out the other side”.  WOW!  What an amazing thought to ponder.  And so true!  I thought about every single person in my life that is going through a difficult time and I just wanted to call them and say… “God has made you fireproof”!  Life is hard right now, but you will come through this!  Right there in that very minute I started to cry.  Not just a little tear, a river.  I was so completely overcome with emotion.

Another topic was Jubilee.  Joel described “Jubilee” from the Bible, which honestly I don’t remember the specifics. I’m just not that Bible savvy… yet.  I do remember him saying that Jubilee came every 50 years and that during the Jubilee all debts were cleared and life was anew.  Now… if you are reading this and know this story you probably realize that I’m totally butchering it.  And for that I apologize.  I know that I’m not giving this particular story justice, I’m simply recounting what I remember and hopefully in the near future I can read more about it.  On to my point.  Joel was saying that 2012 is “your” Jubilee.  Time to start anew, set big goals, follow your dreams… pray BIG! Release all that’s holding you back and move forward!  I loved it!  This hit home in SOOOOOOOO many ways!

So in light of Jubilee I want to put down my goals for this year.  They are big goals but I have faith that we can accomplish anything that we put our heart and soul to.  With that….

2012 goals

Start my business

Run a half marathon

Run a full marathon

Live like no one else so that I can LIVE like no one else ~dave ramsey

Shoot a wedding (like a big girl… all by myself)

Those are my top goals for the year.  It’s going to be an amazing year, I just know it!  Good things are going to happen.  What do you have in store for your Jubilee?

You know what they say… excuses are like, well… I won’t say it but everybody has one.  Except me.  I have millions, excuses that is.  Excuses for why I eat terribly when I’m supposedly “eating clean”.  Excuses for why I’m not exercising when I commited to my trainer that I would do AT LEAST four days a week.  I mean really four days how hard is that?  I have excuses why the laundry isn’t folded, the house is a mess.  My car is a disaster and why my time is completely mismanaged.  There are excuses for everything that I can think of.  WHY?  Why?  I asked myself this today.  Why do I continue this crazy cycle of putting stuff off, procrastinating beyond anything that I’ve ever imagined.  I have no answer.

Today I had a photo shoot.  My model was beautiful.  Dressed perfectly.  Hair, makeup, everything perfect!  After the shoot was over I looked at the images.  I hated EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.   I found something wrong with every single image.   The lighting, the composition, the posing.  Everything.  I FAILED!  Not only did I fail, I just wasted my sweet friend Wendy’s entire afternoon.  I was just about ready to toss in the towel.  I was at the bottom.  Not just because of this shoot, but because of everything that has been piling up and leading to this very moment.  I was completely and totally defeated!

And then I ran.  I ran out the door with my iPod on my arm blasting Eminem’s Not Afraid, on repeat.  I have not always been an Eminem fan, but that man has been through it!  His lyrics seem to move me.  I know… strange bird here.  My car radio is ALWAYS on 95.5 the fish, a christian music station yet… I still love me some Eminem.  Anyway… the lyrics keep my feet pounding the pavement, my legs felt strong I’m was moving faster and stronger than I have in a very long time.  I decided to let go!  I let go of the excuses, the lack of confidence, the weakness.  I tossed it all aside and ran!

After the run, I felt good.  I felt good because I knew that I gave it my all every step of the way.  When I got home I took this pic.

It’s a little reminder of where I’m starting from on the way out of my little pitty bucket.  My first step up the ladder from this “bottom” I’ve seem to hit.   If you’ve made it this far… thanks for reading.  I’m going to be updating the blog more frequently.  You see this is another thing that I’ve been making excuses for.  When I say I don’t have time to blog I really mean, I don’t want people to read what I say and look at the pics I take and judge me.  Well dear readers/internet/universe.  I’m over it.  I ‘m ready to let go and be free!  Look out world! No more excuses people!  Let’s do this.